A Heteronormative World

By definition, "heteronormativity" can be seen as "the belief that people fall into distinct and complementary genders (male and female) with natural roles in life. It assumes that heterosexuality is the only sexual orientation or only norm, and states that sexual and marital relations are most (or only) fitting between people of opposite sexes. Consequently, a "heteronormative" view is one that involves alignment of biological sex, sexuality, gender identity and gender roles."

Heteronormativity is something which has been present in society for a very long time. In my opinion, a lot of heteronormative behaviour is not done with malicious intent but I believe that, as society is becoming more accepting and open to many concepts surrounding what it means to be human, then perhaps these heteronormative views (which have been ingrained  into society over generations) need to be reevaluated. Progress takes time, and now is that time.

As stated in the definition, heteronormativity is a belief that people are separated by gender with certain expectations for each. These expectations can be seen as traditional and out of date, many of which would not be acceptable today, but the slithers of this traditional belief system are still present in today's society. The traditional heteronormative person, for example, would believe that a man must be strong, must work to provide for his wife and family, and must be the rock of the family. A female should look a certain way, act a certain way (be empathetic, sensitive etc.), and live her life for her husband. And of course, they can only be straight. Any deviation from these expectations results in a person being seen as "the other" and thus an outcast. Of course many of these views are very much outdated as females have become more valued by society and acceptance of LGBT people is better than ever before but there is still some progress to be made, as always.

It is time to unlearn what we know about gender and sexuality. It is time to unlearn generations of stereotypes and expectations. It is time to educate, understand, and acknowledge that the world of gender and sexuality is not binary. It is a spectrum, scale, whatever you want to call it. People do not fit into certain boxes of identity and it is time we stop expecting people to put themselves into these boxes for the sake preventing others from "feeling uncomfortable".

I think one of the major issues with heteronormativity is that it begins in childhood which is why it never goes away - because impressionable children are unconsciously learning this type of belief. Society needs to stop enforcing gender stereotypes on children. For example, when I worked as a shop assistant, we were selling loom bands at the tills. A boy wanted a packet of loom bands but his dad sneered and told him they were for girls. I won't lie, I was a bit shocked. Firstly, it is a piece of rubber, literally small rubber bands, how can you apply gender to that? Secondly, why can't you let your child choose what they want to play with as long as it is not putting them in danger? It annoyed me a little bit, but I get it. I understand where the dad is coming from, he does not want his son playing with loom bands because society sees them as a girl's toy and it would be totally embarrassing if his son were to be seen playing with them. And the sad part of it is that if he had bought his son the loom bands then he was opening his son up to bullying from other children who hold the belief that a bit of rubber should only belong to a certain gender. Of course the message then would be to teach your child not to bully, harm, or judge others rather than give your child into trouble for asking to play with a toy that they did not perceive as gendered until you applied gender to it.

Children's toys should perhaps be a bit more relaxed when it comes to gender. It is the period of time where the child is discovering themselves, what they like and what they don't. Why should we tell them what they should or should not like? The argument has been debated countless times that girls toys are synonymous with what a female should do as she grows older - taking care of dolls to prepare for motherhood, toys such as pretend irons, hoovers, and kitchens to prepare for domestic responsibilities. Why then, do we not prepare boys for the same responsibilities? Instead, I guess, someone thought it would be more beneficial to prepare boys for fighting and protecting the galaxy. Time and time again, people are fighting for gender neutral toys because otherwise a child's mind may be set in the belief that men and women are separate and that it should be kept that way. It sounds horrendously stupid but that is how malleable a child's mind is. Much of what happens in childhood will stick with them for life.

I know it is not always harmful, but if a child grows up with only heteronormative messages and they do not fit the heteronormative expectation then this could perhaps be damaging to a child's development. Just think about it, if you were told for years and years that you were someone that you were not, then you would just begin to accept it - but the real you can never go away. I am not trying to tell parents that by buying pink clothes for your daughter that you are damaging her mental health and development, but there is a distinct difference between boys' clothes and girls' clothes in the messages they portray. That is a whole other debate that has happened many times but basically clothes are designed for children which reinforce negative gender stereotypes. A debate I've read can be found here and expands on the children's clothes and gender debate The expectations that we place on children are not only harmful to the child, but also the parents and those around the child if the child "fails" to meet the acceptable criteria defined by society. With this, feelings of guilt or disappointment may ensue.

I am thankful that I was raised in an accepting environment where I was able to choose what I wanted and given the freedom to express who I am. But some children do not have that luxury and will be humiliated if they try to deviate from what society sees as "normal". The humiliation is internalised and can become gospel, hence the cycle continues and the belief that gender roles are binary is passed on through the playground, at school, and all throughout life. The generalisation could be that racists breed racists, misogynists breed misogynists, homophobes breed homophobes - again this does not necessarily have to be the case and, as education in schools and society is improving, the cycle is being broken and people are more open to alternative ways of life.

Change is hard for anyone, especially for a whole society, We are all socially conditioned with expectations of behaviour and deviation from the expectation is not welcomed. This is likely a bigger issue in schools because everything is magnified due to being confined in a small environment with the same people for years. Again, education is key, and we should be teaching future generations to not be so harsh when someone is a bit different - especially with the rise of social media where people are constantly connected to each other online, thus potentially open to constant bullying.

I think the media can be held accountable for a lot of this judgement and pressure to fit a certain mold. The media attacks celebrities the minute they do something out of the norm which translates over to us "normal" people as 'If it is not okay for a celebrity to do it, then it is definitely not okay for me to do it'. Obviously I am not talking about murder, or something illegal, just silly society expectations that should not really be an issue. Like the constant scrutiny on the Kardashian's for wearing something, or wearing nothing.

For men, heteronormativity comes in the form of having to attain a certain masculine image, or else be deemed a "sissy". A new project is emerging called Being Mankind which aims to redefine what it means to be a man by giving light to men who do not fit societal expectations. They aim to represent all types of men - straight, gay, bisexual, transgender, fit, unfit, tall, short, mentally ill, househusband, blue-collar worker, sensitive, strong, the list goes on. It is not a "meninist" movement that says men are better than women, but it is a challenge to break gender barriers imposed on men in particular, and can be seen as joining the feminism movement with the goal of equality for all - ensuring that all genders are viewed equally with no predisposed assumptions of how a person should act, behave, dress, or look. Men should not shy away from emotions and communication. You are allowed to feel, to cry, to hug, to laugh. It is okay to not be a masculine robot!

A major problem with heteronormativity is that if you tell someone one message for long enough, then they will absorb it and believe it. They will think that is the only way they can live their live and be too afraid to follow what they want to do. Until, of course, they decide to pursue the life they wish to, which can often be too late. Why do so many people not come out until they are a fully grown adult who has been married for 25 years with 3 kids?

On the other hand, heteronormativity perhaps should not be seen as the devil of society because it is natural to have expectations. It may not be too damaging for a person's development as many people learn to be themselves as they grow older, due to life experience and education. I expected myself to have a wife and kids at one point before I understood what sexuality was. And this was likely because heteronormative relationships were all that I knew of. But I still managed to figure out who I was. Though this may not be the case for everyone if they grow up in an environment that heavily discriminates the "other".

A momentous leap forward in progression would be LGBT+ inclusive education brought into schools (something that the TIE Campaign have been fighting for), otherwise LGBT youths are excluded and forced to learn about their sexuality for themselves - which can be stressful, scary, and potentially dangerous as the person is left in a vulnerable position. With 90% of LGBT youths experiencing some form of homophobic bullying in schools, inclusive education is the key for making young LGBT people feel like an included part of society, and allowing straight cisgender students to understand and learn about LGBT life too - thus making them more accepting and less likely to bully as most bullying stems from a lack of knowledge. In my school, there was not really anything that was LGBT related apart from one video in a series of internet safety videos where a young boy was tricked then abused by an older man. What kind of fair representation is that? What kind of associations does that impose on young impressionable teenagers? I know the aim of the video was not to say that LGBT people are online predators, as there were other videos portraying straight people, but it is still the only time anything LGBT related was included in a lesson.

We need to educate children to be aware of LGBT and gender issues rather than portraying a strictly heteronormative world and leaving anyone who does not fit into that mold to fend for themselves. Yes it may make people stronger, but it is not necessary. Lack of inclusivity in schools, at such a vital part of a person's development, can lead to feelings of isolation and depression - leading to other mental health issues as the person grows older. Being a teenager is hard enough as it is, why make it harder by pretending a certain group of people do not exist when teaching about relationships?

The Internet is potentially helping with LGBT identity because people who feel alone can connect with others like them, to seek help and to understand who they are. Again, though, this leaves young people vulnerable and open to online predators who want to take advantage of this vulnerability.

Of course life for the non-heteronormative person is easier now than ever before and my generation is very lucky with the progress society has made over the years. However, the fight for equality is far from over because traditional views still reign strong.

Fight for a freer world and society so that future generations can be comfortable in the skin they are in. Do it so that people are no longer afraid to be who they are. Make judgement and bullying a thing of the past.

Do not hide. Speak out. Speak up. Be heard.

Liam :)