No, but where are you REALLY from?

The title of this post is a question that I have been asked many times, usually after I have said I was born and grew up in Livingston (a town in Scotland). It is a question that could be rephrased to "what is your ethnic background?" or "where are your parents from?" - though the need for this type of question to be asked at all is questionable in itself, unless it is the topic of conversation already. What I take from this question is "you can't be from Scotland, you're not white" and so I must divulge into the long spiel about my family background to appease their curious mind, after which they seem to switch off.

I am mixed race. My mother was born in Singapore and my father was born in Scotland. It is a mix I am proud of, and one which has enabled me to experience so much more in life than many others may not be able to. However, living in a country where you do not exactly look like everyone else will of course lead to these types of questions being asked. That is not to say that somebody is wrong to ask those questions, but for me it serves as another reminder that people view me as an "other" or "different". That being said, Scotland (and especially Glasgow, where I currently live) is very diverse in terms of race and culture so I have never felt unsafe or unwelcome due to my ethnicity.

Having familial connections on the other side of the world is pretty cool. When I was younger, we would go to Singapore every second December to spend Christmas with my family over there. As I have grown up, the visits have become less frequent, though the expensive costs of travel and accommodation make it hard to visit on a regular basis. The last time I was in Singapore was in May 2017, and it was a very important holiday for me because it was when my extended family met my boyfriend for the first time - which is scary for anyone. However, they got on great and we had a wonderful time. This was very important for me and it has made me excited to return to Singapore in the future with my boyfriend so we can explore more of the country - as we really only got to experience the touristy things. The benefit of having family in a foreign country is that, when you visit, you get to experience the country as it is experienced by the locals. Growing up, I have seen and experienced a lot of things in Singapore that regular tourists probably would not have seen and it has provided a very authentic and personal experience for me.

And yet, despite this wonderful life I have been able to live, I still feel struck down and somewhat angry when people ask me where I am from. I believe that this may be more to do with how the question is asked, rather than the question itself. Many times, not so much now but more so in school, the first thing people would say to me is "I don't mean this to sound offensive, but where are you from?" - and I smile and give the answer. Sometimes they will stay to talk to me more, other times they will say "oh cool" then leave and never speak to me again. I think the problem with this is that they have made an assumption based on how I look, and ask the question to test that assumption. For some people, I believe the question does not always arrive out of sincerity and it is those people that I have a problem with. However, some people are just curious and the way in which they structure their question may unintentionally come across as ignorant.

Even though I am accepted and fit in with people, I still feel different. I have never been physically attacked for my ethnicity, though the odd misinformed comment or remark can be a regular occurrence. Fitting in and being accepted is something that most humans strive for, and anything which makes you different from others makes it a little bit more difficult to feel as though you do fit in. I think it is partly a human need to feel accepted as when you do feel accepted you also feel safe, secure, and comfortable. Even feeling a little bit different can lead to magnified feelings of isolation or self-deprecation. It is important to celebrate differences, and it could be something which is an internal battle for me - a journey of self-acceptance and learning to let go of the idea that people will always see me as different. But a minor negative interaction can put my mind into self-destruct mode.

Moving to Glasgow was a big game-changer for me. It signified becoming an adult and gaining my independence - and also meant that I could not rely on my mum or dad to solve my problems for me or fight my battles. As exciting a time as it was, it did not come without its negative moments. I stayed in private halls in my first year and about 80% of the students who lived there were international students, so one could be forgiven for thinking that I was one too given that I do not look white. I remember the maintenance people were doing work in the kitchen and one of them asked me "how are you enjoying the weather in Scotland?" I sort of paused and replied with "it's the same it's always been I guess" to which the maintenance person looked a mixture of surprised and embarrassed - he gave a nod and said nothing else to me after that. Of course I cannot blame him for asking me that as the majority of people he will talk to in his working day will be from abroad so he likely assumed the same with me. But for me, it again reminded me of my outwardly different appearance and was the beginning of realising that I would blend in with people at university, but only the international students who are often stereotyped as wealthy, shy and quiet, and not willing to integrate with the wider university student population.

The reality is that people judge and make assumptions based on appearance - and it happens to everyone. Even I am guilty of assuming that someone is foreign and then will be surprised when I hear the Scottish accent, so maybe that is how people are with me. I do not do it in a negative way, however, and never ask "where are you from?" because my view of the question is negative in that it immediately sets someone apart as "not from here". I am more than happy to discuss my ethnicity as long as it is something which comes up naturally in conversation or with someone I have known for a while. What irks me is when it is the first and only thing someone wants to know about me, for no reason other than to satisfy their curiosity.

Being a minority is hard enough, but being a minority within another minority is a whole other level. Racism in the LGBTQ+ community is something which is very prevalent today. The gay community, in particular, has been criticised many times for the "no fats, no fems, no Asians" line which can be seen on people's dating app profiles. The problems with this is for another blog post but the point is that rejection and exclusion even comes from the community that I thought would make me feel safe and make me feel welcome. Aside from internal racism within the LGBTQ+ community, people also deal with internal homophobia, fat shaming, slut shaming, and so much more. I have been asked on gay dating apps if I am a "cash lad" due to my mixed race. I have been compared to a dog when someone said I was not a pure breed and instead chose to call me a mongrel. I know of many people who have only spoken to me because they are "into Asians" which annoys me so much because I do not want to be a fetishised object in someone else's mind.

I still get anxious when going into new situations, meeting new people, or being in a new environment that I will be seen as 'different' when I enter the room. I have been in many situations where I am the only non-white person in the room and I feel like like I stand out and raise questions or assumptions in people's heads. I was at a party once and overheard someone refer to me as "the Asian one" when asking what my name was. I then walked into the room about ten seconds later and noticed a few embarrassed glances as they realised I might have heard. I know it was harmless and not said with malicious intent but it served as a reminder that my ethnicity is how people identify me. It is something I feel conflicted about because I know it is not a negative thing, but I still cannot help but perceive it in a negative way and it is probably due to that need to fit in and be liked.

I feel like I must make up for in personality for what I do not have in appearance when it comes to fitting in. And I fail to do that too because my subconscious mind tells me that I am already different so saying something wrong or unfunny will only reiterate people's expectations of me as the quiet, reclusive one. I could be wrong though, and it is likely something that people do not even think about or realise because Glasgow is such a diverse place. It is likely my own fear of rejection that makes me exclude myself in an attempt to seem less different which, consequently, has the opposite effect. But I have never been an extrovert in any sense of the word so there is maybe only an element of reality in that statement.

Like being gay, my ethnicity is part of my identity and makes me who I am. I am proud to be mixed race and believe I have experienced so much in life that has shaped who I have become today. The reality is that my ethnicity will likely always be a talking point for people, and there are always going to be ignorant people in the world. All I can do is ensure I remain happy, remain proud, and remain true to myself. The internal battle I have with my ethnicity is likely brought on by the predominately white society I have grown up in, but as time progresses, attitudes progress too. As with my sexuality, I am lucky to have grown up in a society that is more accepting than in the past and I cannot say I have ever been discriminated against to the extent that my ethnicity has prevented me from getting opportunities in life. If anything (as I always joke), being gay and mixed race ticks two boxes in the equality and diversity quotas that workplaces need to meet so maybe I should use it to my advantage!